Appreciating the End

I'm in a weird place right now with this whole process. I'm in "task mode" where I take my to-do list with me everywhere and I'm either adding to it, or finding a spare minute here and there to cross something off. This task mode isn't the best place for me though, because I can use it as an excuse to a) not pay attention to my surroundings, and b) not pay attention to the fact that something huge is happening. Instead I just focus on the tasks at hand, then move on to the next thing. (This is definitely a pattern in my life and not something that is just happening with this change.) Quitting my job, leaving my house and city, and moving across the world aren't tasks to be crossed off a list. They deserve so much more than that. They deserve reflection and processing. They deserve time to ruminate, take hold, and become part of the whole life change I'm experiencing. It's just taking the time to actually let that happen.

I did take a little time to reflect today--something that will be happening a little more around here--and realized that, while my mind continues to churn out the to-do list and frets about all the details, this week is the beginning of the end. I'm ready to leave. I am. But there's also no turning back now. I have four more work days left. I'll be jobless in a week. I'm moving out of my house. I'll be homeless in seven days. I'm moving to Ireland in 37 days. I'll be completely out of my comfort zone for seven months.

Slowly all the changes that are about to happen are starting to hit me. I'm glad I took some time to talk to a friend about all this this morning -- he challenged me to sit in this time. To acknowledge that while I'm super excited for what's ahead, there's also some sadness. Sadness in leaving friends I love, moving out of a house that has been such a blessing the last two years, quitting a job that while it was the main catalyst for this change, it has also been really good lately. It's okay to be sad about leaving those things, but I also have to smile and realize that what I'm doing is amazing, especially in light of my life's narrative.

Right now, as much as I want to add "process and reflect on the ending" to my to-do list, I know I can't just put a check mark by it and a line through it and be good. It's so much more than a task.

This is a life changing beginning that requires connection with myself, who I am, and who I'm becoming. And that will take time.