Chasing the 'what if'

Today I leave for Ireland. I'm fulfilling a dream I've had since high school--it's a dream I've been pushing down and avoiding for close to 15 years, always saying 'it's not a good time,' 'I'm stupid to want to do this,' and wondering what people would think.
 
But today, I'm chasing the what if. I'm beginning to answer the question I've been asking: 'what if I was able to move to Ireland?'
 
I'm about to find out. I'm feeling scared. Nervous. Excited. Anxious. Thrilled. Brave. Weak. all.at.the.same.time. I have no idea what to expect, yet am full of expectations.
 
Because of what I'm about to embark on, I'll never have to ask that specific 'what if' question again. I'll look on my life in 20 years, and no matter what happens in the following months, I'll be able to say 'I had a dream as a teenager to move to Ireland someday, and when I was 30 I finally did it.' Then they'll ask 'well, what took you so long to finally go?!' And I'll shake my head, laugh a little, and say 'Myself. The only thing that was keeping me back was my own insecurities and my own fears. Once I finally decided those excuses weren't good enough, I never looked back.'
 
I don't know what it's going to look like in five months. I may not want to go back to the states. I may not be able to wait until I get back to Seattle. Who knows, I may hate Ireland and decide I never want to step foot there again. But no matter what, I won't regret the fact that I put my life on hold for a little while and followed a dream. I realize what a gift that is. Just based on the amount of people who have said they wish they could come with me, or who wished they had done something similar when they were my age, I know I'm blessed. And I'm doing something not many people are able to do.
 
But I go not as someone who's completely confident, calm and collected, no I will board that plane carrying my fears, nerves and expectations, but also excitement of the unknown.
 
See you on the other side.